Spiritual Warfare Forum: Spiritual Distress/Deceptions
Spiritual Distress/Deceptions QUESTION from Maine on February 3, 2003 Please forgive me for having to be lengthy. I am the worst kind of sinner. I grew up feeling the closeness of God (Methodist) and the scary thing that follows. I was never a serious church goer, but loved to be alone in our church while my mother, sister, and I cleaned it.
When I left home for college, my bad dreams and feelings worsened. I fell into deep despair and found a little Catholic church that was always open. I would sit there and stare at the crucifix late at night,in the dark. I did this for about 4-5 years. I sinned greatly during this time. I asked God (I always call him Father)if I could see my true nature. I saw it. I cannot explain. I did not go back to the church for 6 months.
I became pregnant (I married a Hindu) and went back to sitting inside the church--I wouldn't exactly call it praying. My husband and I divorced, and I spent more and more time in the church. Because I feared for my daughter, I decided to join it. The day that I met the priest, he looked at me curiously. I felt he wanted something from me--I did not go back for almost a month. I later went back and tried to befriend him. His manner always upset me; he was depressed, lethargic, and not very friendly. After a month or two of trying, he confessed to me that he did not like being a priest, was not interested in building things, and he had some sexual issues that he was treated for. I was hurt by this, but I felt like I wanted our hearts to be both turned to God.
I was deceived by my own grandeur--a painful lesson I am only now confessing. My husband and I re-married as I want my daughter to live with both her parents. Meanwhile, my friendship with the priest became more intimate. After confessing to me, he became affectionate (as did I) and we have shared our innermost feelings and concerns. I always felt his heart cold and wanted to show him that it need not be. I hugged him as he had never known intimacy that was non-sexual in nature. Because I am a mother, I feel I have the ability to love without sexual feelings being attached. I felt bad for him. But later on, things became different. We kissed and have cuddled. I recently laid my head on his chest and heard no heart beat. I moved my ear around until I found it--on the right side. I thought, His heart, it beats on the wrong side.
I thought (week later) after interpreting it--I never do this right away--that both our hearts were on the wrong side. I have had strange feelings around him since I met him. He smells wonderfully sweet to me at times, at other times--I hear something whispher--he looks a bit like a goat, and after he first confessed that he did not like being a priest--I reasoned--he leads from a false front--a liar--therefore he must be a Father of Lies. I recently went to mass and had to walk out--I felt sick hearing him read the Gospels. I am confused. I do not want to hurt people in the church by having an inapropriate relationship with a priest, I do not want to hurt my friend--I refuse not to love him for his faults. I want him to feel closer. I want to feel closer, and I want my daughter to not be assailed by that which has always followed close behind me. My family never believed in the devil. I was Methodist. I refused to read the Bible as a child--I listened to God-- until I was molested by my step-dad and something mal happened to me. I always felt safe, but sinned--like an unruly child.
I am writing this as I fear for our souls and for the hopes of others. I feel in the dark and I have to work hard to follow what I cannot see. If others find the generosity and kindness of God in our priest's face, I do not want to disappoint them by creating a scandal. I feel so horrible writing this. I have cried to God and told him I am sorry as I know no one else to confess to.
Since I began catechism classes, I have changed in many ways. I have been able to make friends. I no longer feel despair, and I love so much. I fear losing that for what it might do to those I love as well as myself. I am not innocent in this predicament. The priest knew what I told God I wanted in a true husband, and for a while I was convinced that God made my inner similar a priest--I even asked him to marry me. I am so embarrassed writing this. I was wrong. I told God that I was wrong. I am trying to be close as I was when I was little. He comes and goes and I miss him. I miss loving with my heart.
I was scared as I have recently felt the scary thing try to take it away--so I asked God to take it. Sometimes--I think he does take it--but he lends it back to me. I know I sound crazy. At times, I feel crazy. But when I delivered my daughter, I felt how final the states of life and death are. I just want to live--and help those around me live. Please help me in any way you are able to. I have not been to see another priest in this area for fear of causing a scene. I am sorry that I have had to write this message as I feel saddened by my weakness and that of my friend. If it is best, do not respond on your post. Thank You.
P.S. I have tried to convince my husband to convert--I feel it is hopeless at times. I am hoping that if I get it right, maybe he will see, and follow suit.
ANSWER by Mr. Joe Meineke on February 4, 2003 Dear Maine, I want to start out by congratulating you on taking this step and writing to us. What you have done requires a great deal of courage, and it was obviously painful for you to do so. Know that God loves you and that we will pray for you and for the priest who was involved. We will also pray for your husband's conversion. What you need to do now is go to confession to a different priest. This need not cause a scandal - there is no need for you to mention the priest's name when you go to confession. Simply state the sins that you committed, as well as the fact that the sins were committed with a priest. Names are not necessary. God knows who you are talking about, and that is enough. In addition, you should refrain from receiving the Eucharist until AFTER you go to confession. All intimate contact with this priest MUST stop if it has not already. If possible, it may be best to consider changing parishes. Your presence at your current parish could be cause for near occasion to sin for both you and for him; something that you BOTH must avoid. In addition, you need to keep this to yourself. There is absolutely no need for anyone to know about this other than you, your confessor, the priest involved and God. Gossip or confessions to friends will do nothing but cause scandal. Your only confession should be to a priest. Once you have reconciled yourself to God, you should visit our Spiritual Warfare Prayers Catalogue (see link below) and pray the prayers that apply to your situation, such as: 1. Prayer to Confess a Lustful Heart 2. Prayer to Confess A Rebellious Heart 3. Renunciation of Satan and Claiming the Full Victory 4. Prayer of Confession And Taking Back Ground From Satan 5. Prayer After Confession To Re-Claim Ground Taken By Satan 6. Hedge Prayer for Protection of Self In addition, you should pray for the priest who was involved in this. I would recommend the following prayers: 1. Chaplet of St. Michael (for both you and the priest) 2. Hedge Prayer for Protection of Others 3. Chaplet of Divine Mercy Finally, meditate on the Supreme Goodness and Mercy of God who tells us, Though your sins are as scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They will be like wool. (Isaiah 1:18). Praise Him and thank Him for His Mercy. You are His beloved daughter. Jesus died for you, wants you to spend eternity with Him, and is ready to receive you with open and loving arms.
Straightening up, Jesus said to her, Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you? She said, No one, Lord. And Jesus said, I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more. (John 8:10-11). God bless you, Joe Meineke Assistant to Bro. Ignatius For Assistance with Spiritual Warfare problems please go to our How We Can Help You page. For a direct link to sample Spiritual Warfare prayers see our Spiritual Warfare Prayer Catalog Back to Index Page