Spiritual Warfare Forum: Has my Angel left me? What hope do I have?
Has my Angel left me? What hope do I have? QUESTION from Keith on January 2, 2003 I have never been a religious man. I just never had the upbringing although I have always known right from wrong and often go out of my way to help others. I had a rough childhood, plagued by bullying and my teenage years were spent mainly wondering if I would kill myself or not. I couldn't look in a mirror for seven years.
However, at various points in my life I have experienced things which have always made me wonder if there was more to my life than just me.
One incident was a verbal warning whispered in my ear telling me of a physical assault which was about to happen. I spun round but no-one was there, except for a known thug some 400 feet away, closing in on me.
Another incident 20 years later was I was changing lanes on the motorway and my steering wheel wouldn't move. After a few senconds of trying to turn the wheel a large 18 wheeler lorry careered past me on the inside lane I was trying to move into, an illegal move in the UK. I was in a small fibre glass sports car and would definetly have been killed.
This gives me hope.
However, I changed my job 2 years ago and have been under a great amount of stress at work. I dream about my job and often wake up vomiting.
In recent months I have been experiencing severe mental health problems, mainly anxiety, depression and paranoia. And I am worrying constantly about things which seem to others unlikely or impossible. The local hospital is trying to admit me into their psyciatric ward at present. I have been repeatedly crying out let me die.
This seemed to start after an incident where I was unfaithful to my partner. My guilt was such that I told her. Things have gone from bad to worse and my mind is constantly racing. Minor problems seem massive, I shake violently, cry, curled up in a ball and have terrible dreams where faces come to me and tell me how to kill myself. Often I think I've woken up and see a sillouette at the end of my bed. I know straight away who it is although they never say anything, I am then often thrown around the room, I try to cry for help but no sound comes out. I eventually wake up but cannot remember who it is. I often kill people in my dreams although I recently experienced a dream so beautiful that I could live there forever.
I recently was unfaithful again (although not completely) and have now started getting feelings of suicide again. I cry all the time, cannot sleep, constantly vomit.
It seems I keep making the same mistakes in my life, even though I realise why I do this I don't seem to be able to stop. I keep buying expensive cars and chasing women, sometimes women I'm not even attracted to.
I have started praying to God to give me strength to be a better man but having not been a part of the churchgoing set I'm worried that he won't listen to me. Where I live churches are frequented by mainly wealthy well adjusted people. Not people like me.
I drove out today to try to find a church I could sit in but they were all locked and closed. All I wanted to do was sit in there and let God know I am here.
I feel the presence which has helped me in the past is no longer there and I am wondering if there is a way I can become a believer and properly become one with the strength and knowledge of the church and hopefully get control of my repeated life. I feel guilty that I only look to God when in times of need and I want to be able to have an understanding all the time, so I can put a something back into the world before I die.
I would appreciate any help or advice you can give me.
ANSWER by John-Paul Ignatius, OLSM on January 3, 2003 Dear Keith:
Your Guardian Angel has NOT left you. He is still there beside you and will always be beside you.
God has not left you. He is always there with you.
Sometimes trials and tribulations come our way as a method to try to bring us to God. You say that you have not been a religious person, maybe now is the time to get serious about your relationship with God. God is holding out His hand to you, you only need to take His hand.
In addition, from the description you are giving it does sound like there are psychiatric issues involved here. You need to follow the advice of your doctor. If that means checking into a hospital, then do it.
There can be chemical imbalances in the brain that can make you feel the way you are feeling. The doctor can give you medication that may correct those imbalances. When that happens you may begin to feel better.
While your situation may have a spiritual element, it sounds like you need to take care of the medical/psychiatric element as first.
We will be praying for you.
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