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Faith/Spirituality Forum: Sex in marriage

by Catherine Frakas 29 May 2001

Sex in marriage QUESTION from Deacon Larry on November 16, 2002 Dear Bro. Ignatius...
I could use a clarification in your response to a question on October 9 regarding foreplay and afterplay in marriage. The questioner asked about the woman stimulating to organism for her husband's enjoyment. This you said was wrong. OK. It does, however, sound like it was a case of mutual giving and recieveing on the part of the couple.
Then you said that after intercorse it was OK to stimulate one's wife to organism as that is after play. Can you help me see the difference between pre-intercourse female masturbation by the husband and post-intercourse masturbation? Why is it right after but not right before? Some women maintain they find the marriage act more pleasurable after an orgasm.
I don't want to sound confused or get tripped up in our marriage prep or pre-Cana classes and appreciate your help.
Thanks for your help and blessings on your work,
Deacon Larry
ANSWER by John-Paul Ignatius, OLSM on November 21, 2002 WARNING: this answer is very candid and specific concerning sexual practices of married couples. Consider this Rated-R
Dear Deacon:
The poster described a situation in which the wife masturbated while the husband watched. There is no mutual self-giving here. The husband is not even touching his wife. He is merely watching. This is no different than a peep-show -- one is watching and the other is performing for the peeper.
The type of self-stimulation I was referring to is that which takes place in the arms of love-making, while the husband is caressing his wife or having intercourse with her. This is entirely different than the husband sitting on the other side of the bed or sitting on a chair watching his wife masturbate.
To be even more specific, most men are not completely aware of how women receive the greatest stimulation that leads to orgasm. The traditional love-making techniques are deficient in this regard. Thus a women may stimulate herself while she is having intercourse to assist in her coming to orgasm.
While there are sexual positions that specifically enhance stimulation of the women, few seem to know or practice those techiques.
NOTE: This is getting perhaps a little too candid. I am willing to discuss this privately with any couples wish to learn what I am talking about.
Anyway, the other problem is the notion that love-making primarily intercourse or ends with intercourse. Unfortunately the idea that the end all of end all is intercourse is particularly a male point-of-view. Loving making primarily is intimacy. Intimacy that is self-giving is not seen in one masturbating while the other watches.
But intimacy is seen in the mutual self-giving of love-making and caressing each other and just holding each other before and after intercourse. Intercourse is NOT the end of the love-making.
I hope this helps to clear this up. If not, please give me a telephone call perhaps and I can discuss this over the phone. Since you are involved in pre-cana, it is important to understand the nuances of this subject and be able to artitulate those nuances to the pre-cana couples.
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