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I was possessed. Why? QUESTION from Marlene June 24, 2000 I'm really not that good at writing, so I will try my best to relate what happened to me.
When I was 10 years old, I had my first confession. Even though I didn't understand anything about my Catholic faith or what the Sacrament was for (I never went to Catechism classes and my parents never educated me on the faith)I remember feeling my soul being enlfamed with the fire of the Holy Spirit when the priest absolved me. I can not describe the feeling but it was such a heavenly feeling- like nothing I can describe in human terms.
Anyway, since that moment, I started to develop a great love for God. I would think about Him all day long, pray to Him for 2 hours every night, do mortifications for love of Him (such as locking myself up in a closet and standing there for an hour or two, and eating raw meat when I was even disgusted to eat cooked meat, and many more mortifications). Mind you, I was never really taught anything about my faith yet the things I did for God and my deep feelings of love for Him were comparable to what I read many years later in the diaries of Saints.
After two years of this heavenly unity with God, I started to be plagued with uncontrolably saying the words, Stupid God in my head. I didn't mean it and I tried hard to get rid of these words in my head but they wouldn't go away. One night I was so tormented by these words that I got out of bed, went to the kitchen, got a knife and was about to kill myself. But I knew that was a sin so I went back to bed. My sister heard me crying and when I explained to her what was wrong, she told me that I shouldn't let the words get to me because God knows I didn't mean them. So after that, it became easier to deal with it until, evenually, the devil gave up and my problem went away.
Then, at the age of 14, my parents and I moved to America (we had been living in England). I was still filled with my saintly love for God and began to develop an intense love for the Virgin Mary (even though I had read nothing about her except that she was the Mother of Jesus). My love for God and Mary was nothing like I can compare to the human love we know of. My soul felt united to God and Mary - my soul felt so enflamed with love that it felt like I was in heaven near them already.
During the summer of my arrival, I began to feel the strong desire to become a nun. Not only to become a nun, but to become a saint. I continued my Spirit inspired mortifications (never having learned that mortifications were actually a practice of saints or even Catholics). Then that summer (just 2 months of arriving in America) it happened.
I was at Sunday Mass. The choir was singing their Psalms and I was consumed by a feeling of utter ecstacy. I was singing my praises to God and I felt so much a part of Him that I could taste Heaven - I felt that a part of me was already in Heaven united with God. My intense love for Him at that moment was going to make my soul burst. I can not describe the feeling I had because it has no words - only that it was heavenly and not human. Then in the split
ANSWER by John-Paul Ignatius, O.L.S.M. on July 24, 2000 Dear Miss Marlene:
Your story cuts off, but I can answer your question in general.
First, as you admit yourself, you have not received any direction or training in your faith.
I praise God for your innocent zeal and love for Him. This is to be praised and commended.
What you need to to find a Spiritual Director that can help you discern the proper direction for you to go.
I would especially advise you to NOT perform the more severe mortifications WITHOUT the advice of a wise spiritual director.
Further, you need to learn more about this wonderful faith. I would recommend you get the Catechism of the Catholic Faith. It is a wonderful summary of this faith. Also find someone who can tutor you in the faith.
With learning more about the faith, with a spiritual director to guide you, your love and zeal for God and the Blessed Mother will make you a saint.
We will pray for you.
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